I have been running around for almost a week, decluttering, getting rid of books, clothes, toys, and just
"stuff" that I don't want to look at anymore. The whole experience has been extremely liberating as I think about all the things I am going to
do once I am done shedding old skin - like gardening, making my own beauty products, and finding new ways of doing things... this is all stuff I've wanted
to do since I was a young teen, but life as it is it is distracting. Anyway, I have been on a kind of high the whole week due to this new lease on life but
yesterday was the day I came down crashing. I could already feel myself coming down because I was exhausted. DH was home from work b/c we had DR appts and he
had to watch the DS while I was at mine so he just took the day off. Long story short we were both tired around midday, and I figured we could do something
together to support each other since we couldn't sleep (b/c of our 2 year old)... before I could SAY this, he plopped himself on the couch and closed his
eyes. I knew what THAT meant. It meant he was checking out for a couple of hours. But I was sitting there looking at him - I WANT TO JUST F*ING PLOP ON THE
COUCH AND GO TO SLEEP TOO!!!! I was soooooo tired, but my son was standing there looking at me like "what are we going to do?" I knew he needed to
go outside and so did I if I was going to stay awake or motivated. So I decided to take him to the park and DH just layed there as I got ready to go.., I
wanted to yell at him to get up, but I don't do that. I usually just keep it all in, say nothing, and get mad later. But instead of yelling and instead
of keeping it in I said, " you want to go to the park with us?" A big step for me. His response, "no, I'm really tired." I wanted to
fricken SCREAM "I am f*ing tired too, and I don't get to just plop down and ignore the world for a few hours!!!!!!!!" All I did saywas
"Well I'm tired too" and just left.
When I came back he was all like, "are you mad at me" as he pulled me towards him to sit on his lap. He always does this and tries to butter me up when he knows I'm pissed. Then he just ignores me instead of talking to me about it. So I got to take a 20 min nap (vs his 1 1/2 hour nap) before I had to go to another appt and out for the night.
I didn't get to talk to him until late. Basically, I told him I always get the short end of the stick when it comes to him b/c he just checks out whenever he feels like it and I don't get that luxury. He doesn't even say anything when he does it, he just plops and he's gone. I am always the one stuck with DS when it's the both of us. Always and it's not fair.
He basically said he thinks he gets the short end of the stick b/c he has to work a crap job all week, and I have more freedom. I agreed. I do have more freedom, but I still have a 2 year old stuck to my side all day which does limit my freedom and I do "more things" but mostly things that I know will distract my DS, not necessarily things I want to do. Plus, I do all of this on top of dishes, dinner, laundry, making appts, paying bills, etc. AND that 'freedom" is cut in half when I go back to school in the fall and dealing with all that comes with THAT.
I said we both have crap we have to deal with and we deal with it. After that neither of us knew what to say, like there was nothing left to say. But I still felt anxious. I needed more from him. So he was on his way to bed, I followed, and I said "so what now?" He said, " I want to sleep" I was so annoyed, but kept my cool ( I think
). My final words went
something like this... "If you hate your life so bad, do something about it. Ask for a raise, I don't know why you haven't yet. You deserve it.
If they fire you then we'll figure it out. If you can't do that, look for something else. If you can't do something like that, then change your
attitude. JUST DO SOMETHING! I just realized that I can't make you happy, and I have been killing myself trying to do that. But I can't do this
anymore. And if I can't do it then you have to. Because you deserve to be happy. No matter what you have done, or what you are doing, you deserve to be
happy. If you didn't then you wouldn't have married me... unless you thought I'd make you miserable for the rest of your life (he chuckled). And
if that's the case then Ill leave now b/c you don't deserve that and neither do I. Just do something. Please. "
We cuddled the rest of the night, so I assume I didn't kill his ego or paralyze him. But I called him at work and he sounded down. He said he was fine, said we were fine, but just sounded down. My problem is that I really truely believe what I said, and I am proud that I was able to tell it like it is BUT I am afraid of doing stuff like that b/c i don't know if it does more damage than good. What do you guys think??
PS: sorry this is longer than I thought it would be!
When I came back he was all like, "are you mad at me" as he pulled me towards him to sit on his lap. He always does this and tries to butter me up when he knows I'm pissed. Then he just ignores me instead of talking to me about it. So I got to take a 20 min nap (vs his 1 1/2 hour nap) before I had to go to another appt and out for the night.
I didn't get to talk to him until late. Basically, I told him I always get the short end of the stick when it comes to him b/c he just checks out whenever he feels like it and I don't get that luxury. He doesn't even say anything when he does it, he just plops and he's gone. I am always the one stuck with DS when it's the both of us. Always and it's not fair.
He basically said he thinks he gets the short end of the stick b/c he has to work a crap job all week, and I have more freedom. I agreed. I do have more freedom, but I still have a 2 year old stuck to my side all day which does limit my freedom and I do "more things" but mostly things that I know will distract my DS, not necessarily things I want to do. Plus, I do all of this on top of dishes, dinner, laundry, making appts, paying bills, etc. AND that 'freedom" is cut in half when I go back to school in the fall and dealing with all that comes with THAT.
I said we both have crap we have to deal with and we deal with it. After that neither of us knew what to say, like there was nothing left to say. But I still felt anxious. I needed more from him. So he was on his way to bed, I followed, and I said "so what now?" He said, " I want to sleep" I was so annoyed, but kept my cool ( I think
). My final words went
something like this... "If you hate your life so bad, do something about it. Ask for a raise, I don't know why you haven't yet. You deserve it.
If they fire you then we'll figure it out. If you can't do that, look for something else. If you can't do something like that, then change your
attitude. JUST DO SOMETHING! I just realized that I can't make you happy, and I have been killing myself trying to do that. But I can't do this
anymore. And if I can't do it then you have to. Because you deserve to be happy. No matter what you have done, or what you are doing, you deserve to be
happy. If you didn't then you wouldn't have married me... unless you thought I'd make you miserable for the rest of your life (he chuckled). And
if that's the case then Ill leave now b/c you don't deserve that and neither do I. Just do something. Please. "
We cuddled the rest of the night, so I assume I didn't kill his ego or paralyze him. But I called him at work and he sounded down. He said he was fine, said we were fine, but just sounded down. My problem is that I really truely believe what I said, and I am proud that I was able to tell it like it is BUT I am afraid of doing stuff like that b/c i don't know if it does more damage than good. What do you guys think??
PS: sorry this is longer than I thought it would be!





