I am so frustrated with my DH.... he has been doing GREAT for a few weeks, and then bam! back to being a jerk again. This happens almost every time we have a project we are doing - in this case, getting our front land fenced. We dicuss the idea, both of us have input and give feedback, we agree on what we want/need, abd then when it comes time to put it into action.... forget it. He seems to forget everything we discussed, gets irritable when I remind him (even when I am careful to be very gentle about it) and announces that he doesn't give a damn anyway, it's MY project so I need to "take ownership" and figure it out. From then on, it's always "mine", and if I ask for help or input, I am just showing that I can't "take responsibility" for what I want.
I am SICK and TIRED of this dialogue. We have gone to therapy and nothing moves us past this. We cannot plan any projects together without this issue coming up and it has ruined that part of our marriage - the part where we are supposed to be a team. I DO take ownership of things, but I want to be partners for projects that involve us, and it's never a case of my forcing him to get involved in something he has said he doesn't want to deal with. (He turns it into that later on when he turns on me, but during all the talks about it in the planning phase, this is not something he indicates to me whatsoever, and takes the initiative to do research and come up to me with new ideas). I feel that if we can't work together I may as well be single! I am tired of being cast as the bad guy who "complains/criticizes" (because I remind him of the things we wanted for the project when he forgets all about it once we are putting it into action), "sharpshooting his ideas" (if I prefer something different than he does or even make a suggestion), and "dumps it all on him" (for wanting him to be involved in the execution part of our plans). And most of all, I hate hearing afterwards how *I* get what I want and all our projects become "mine" and proof of my getting my way, when it was something we BOTH disvussed and planned! Ugh! We just went through this with a vehicle we purchased - we needed a vehicle to fit all the kids (I am pg with our 4th) and has towing power, so we decided on a Chevy Suburban, and now he insists it's "my" truck and "I" got the car I wanted. How did it become what "I" want and not our decision for our family? Or in the fencing project, for our home and property?
He keeps yelling at me for not taking ownership, but frankly I feel that he is not taking responsibility for doing things together. All this "mine" versus "yours" really, really makes me question our marriage. He's been pulling this line for years now and I am at the point where I despair of ever getting through it, of ever having him realize that I am NOT the critical, irresponsible person he has cast me as (at least in this instance... not saying I don't have my moments!). It's been hurting and hurting more and more over the years and no matter how much we talk about it together or in therapy, DH doesn not change his script or his accusations. Even the therapists have tried pointing out to DH that this is more about his perception than anything I am doing, but it never gets through to him emotionally or in his reactions.
I feel like I am just waiting for the final straw that breaks my back and even wondering if I am already there... if he wants to insist that everything come down to MY stuff and HIS stuff, then fine - he can have it that way and we don't do ANYTHING together anymore, because we won't have a marriage anymore. Please, is this what it has come to? Is this the only way out of this deadlock? I cannot live like this and keep having everything we do together disintegrate into this script - and no matter how much I change MY part, it does not change his reaction. I don't know what to do and am very close to calling it quits... I just don't know how to keep going on even though I love him and want us to work through this and stay married. But not like this.
I am SICK and TIRED of this dialogue. We have gone to therapy and nothing moves us past this. We cannot plan any projects together without this issue coming up and it has ruined that part of our marriage - the part where we are supposed to be a team. I DO take ownership of things, but I want to be partners for projects that involve us, and it's never a case of my forcing him to get involved in something he has said he doesn't want to deal with. (He turns it into that later on when he turns on me, but during all the talks about it in the planning phase, this is not something he indicates to me whatsoever, and takes the initiative to do research and come up to me with new ideas). I feel that if we can't work together I may as well be single! I am tired of being cast as the bad guy who "complains/criticizes" (because I remind him of the things we wanted for the project when he forgets all about it once we are putting it into action), "sharpshooting his ideas" (if I prefer something different than he does or even make a suggestion), and "dumps it all on him" (for wanting him to be involved in the execution part of our plans). And most of all, I hate hearing afterwards how *I* get what I want and all our projects become "mine" and proof of my getting my way, when it was something we BOTH disvussed and planned! Ugh! We just went through this with a vehicle we purchased - we needed a vehicle to fit all the kids (I am pg with our 4th) and has towing power, so we decided on a Chevy Suburban, and now he insists it's "my" truck and "I" got the car I wanted. How did it become what "I" want and not our decision for our family? Or in the fencing project, for our home and property?
He keeps yelling at me for not taking ownership, but frankly I feel that he is not taking responsibility for doing things together. All this "mine" versus "yours" really, really makes me question our marriage. He's been pulling this line for years now and I am at the point where I despair of ever getting through it, of ever having him realize that I am NOT the critical, irresponsible person he has cast me as (at least in this instance... not saying I don't have my moments!). It's been hurting and hurting more and more over the years and no matter how much we talk about it together or in therapy, DH doesn not change his script or his accusations. Even the therapists have tried pointing out to DH that this is more about his perception than anything I am doing, but it never gets through to him emotionally or in his reactions.
I feel like I am just waiting for the final straw that breaks my back and even wondering if I am already there... if he wants to insist that everything come down to MY stuff and HIS stuff, then fine - he can have it that way and we don't do ANYTHING together anymore, because we won't have a marriage anymore. Please, is this what it has come to? Is this the only way out of this deadlock? I cannot live like this and keep having everything we do together disintegrate into this script - and no matter how much I change MY part, it does not change his reaction. I don't know what to do and am very close to calling it quits... I just don't know how to keep going on even though I love him and want us to work through this and stay married. But not like this.





