Oh you all make me smile. I almost can't contain it right now. I feel like Celie in The Color Purple. You know when she doesn't want to smile but can't help it and it makes her look so beautiful. Odd comparison, but thats what I felt right now.
Nakiea, I will accept that award, and I would like to thank God, and all my friends and sister wives....haha.
I have been quiet. Not even wanting to play the nonsense computer games or read my nonsense vampire books....That is odd for me. I am very open when something upsets me and that is why I think it gets worse THEN gets better. My dh is afraid of me. I know that is the silliest thing ever to say, he is 6ft and 280 pounds, why would he fear me? He isn't confrontational, he dodges it, avoids it like the plague. ME?? On the other hand, I eat confrontation for breakfast, but not in a combative, mean spirited way but just because I was raised, If you got something to say~Spit it out, we aren't mind readers~mentality. I am thankful I am that way. It takes less than minutes for me to think WTH is going on here? And usually seconds to respond. I am working on the responding part, trying to be slower at talking..kwim?? Yesterday when he got home late, I was a tyrant. I kept saying "lets just go, lets just go" So, him and ds were trying to do as I said and took dd out to the van, without her hair done...then I got mad at that....It was like I was satan! I did her hair, she looked so pretty, thankfully she makes me happy 99.9% of the time, without her I would be vacant. Then he couldn't get her seat buckled, I told him to get out of the car, take her with him and I was leaving. We were under a time limit with him being late, we had to see 7 teachers, tour the school in less than 45 minutes before the other kid was out of football....Anyways... long story short, I told him, I am not faking anything with you here and with HIM I didn't. With others, I won the award! Yep I did.
Then we were minutes late picking up the other kid and HE decided to get a ride home. At 12 you don't get to decide who you go with and when you leave. Oh boy did that ice the cake~! Finally, after decompressing I told him that if he is gonna be a workaholic, fine. But the house is suffering, and he doesn't help out. I can only do so much. I told him, you aren't lying to me, you are lying to yourself. They are your lies, you tell them, but I don't have to believe them. I teared up a little and told him that I love him so much and a life without him is painful to even think about, and by not caring for himself, he is in all actuallity not caring about us. The worst part of talking or nagging him (what my ds says) is that he sits there and says nothing. NOTHING. He looks almost like a whimp. Kind of like he would rather take his punishment than change his ways. Punishment being me scolding him. Which makes me mad as heck! Mad Mad Mad. I am not his mother and damn it, if he thinks I need another kid that sits there and takes my 'nagging' and makes himself out to be my victim! Oy vey!
So longgggggg story short. I didn't sleep well but I didn't dwell on any of it. I left it here. In my nonsensical posts, hahah. I woke up late and didn't stress. Which shocked the boys...this 3rd day of school went very smooth...Anyways...I feel really good. I am going to think good things today and have a great day. Me and dd danced until I literally couldn't dance anymore this morning...Right now, we are bathed, dressed and ready to sit down, do some bills and see what fun we can have for the rest of the day. I don't have much more to give dh. But I have LOTS to give my kids. LOTS!!

Darn, I forgot the best part of my conversation with dh. Years ago, he told me that my behavior proved to him that I had no respect for him. Of course at the time, I was like, yeah right. Well, come to find out, it was true. I didn't respect him. I told him last night, that I show him a tremendous amount of respect and this time, the tables are turned and it is he who has zero respect for me. You shoulda been a fly on the wall. For an instant his face sank. But that only made our expressions match for a moment.


Thank you all for caring about me. Thank you for this place, it is my safe haven. I am blessed beyond words.