I hit post instead of preview, but hell, it will stand as unreadable as I wrote it.

I know that all this sounds small but Pat and I have made such headway over the past two years. With my issues, depression and more, we have come so far. It just feels that I am pulling so much weight here and that other than working (which I know is HUGE) thats all he has time for. The thing is, I am LESS clingy than I have ever been. I do way more now, kind of like in the early years. I feel good about me, and at the same time I feel like HOW THE HELL is my marriage screwed up when I feel good! WHY!!!! It's not supposed to work this way...oh boohoo, poor me...

I am not sure if I have been THIS angry in a long time. Not in a LONG time. Sorry but when I read the 'experiement' to send loving messages to our dhs every hour, I wanted to scream. I don't feel loving. I just haven't got it. Normally, I would have jumped at that idea. Anything to show him how loved he is. But why? Why should I? He doesn't love hiself. And right now, at this moment in time, I only have enough for me and my kids. Wow, MY kids. Never said that before.......

Do you ever see people when they are out and they look miserable. Like wayyy miserable? I never understood it until today. I always think to myself, don't leave the house. When I left the house with him to go to Open house at the highschool for ds, dh had been 20 minutes late AND fibbed about his whereabouts so I was mad. I left the house and thought I am not faking anything right now. If I am mad, I am mad and I don't give a flying shit if anyone sees me mad. But naturally as soon as I walked up and interacted with the first mom I saw, Molly sunshine came out...I am like "who are you?" but it's just natural not to take out what I am feeling on others. They dont' deserve it.