update -
Since the "episode" I have figured out that the more focus I put on controlling his behavior, the worse things get. I can only control my behavior and figure out how to ask for what I want. So I decided I wanted to keep my little dog, and I told DH that I would start training her and I was going to do it "my way". I asked him what the top "problems" were for him with the dog and worked them into my training, but I asked him to back off and let me take care of it. Things are going well with that. I get up at 5:30 am now so I can walk both dogs before DD gets up. Walking the dogs at the same time each day makes them respect me more. And getting up with DH makes it feel like we are embarking on the day together. It makes a difference for us.

And its nice not having to listen to his input on training all the time. I told him being married to him was like being in training for something. I don't know what, being VetWife of the Year? No matter what I do, he wants me to do it differently. I think he's starting to get it. I can hear him backing off. Part of it was my fault. I was beginning to look to him constantly for guidance, with the dog, the kid, the house, etc - basically asking his "permission" because I knew he'd have an opinion. This creates a vicious cycle. So now unless I really need his input, I have stopped asking for his opinion. It seems like its a relief for both of us. He gets to see that he can rely on me because I am competent. I get to stop trying to please him and then hating him for it.

He did invite us to come with him to his counseling appt at the VA. The social worker wanted him to continue with her and to work on his anger and PTSD. I told him that I did not want to be the reason he was here. It needed to be his choice, not mine. He decided to continue.