Patience...

I would not tell my DH to get over cancer either, nor leave him for it. But there is a big difference between that and the behaviors and responses we choose, which applies not only to me but to my DH as well. If I had cancer, that would not entitle me to act like a jerk to everyone around me. Trust me, I know - our little son has cancer and we have been told the worst thing you can do is let them get away with unacceptable behavior, and that it is the same for adults - it makes their healing even harder, emotionally, because they get stuck in an entitlement attitude and stop believing in their ability to overcome their handicaps.
I cannot make a marriage work all by myself, and there are decisions that need to be made together in a marriage. There are things I need from DH; and while I am more than happy to provide understanding and accomodate his needs as much as I can, this does not, to me, mean accepting every reaction of his as acceptable because of what he's been through. His behavior is not less his responsibility because of past trauma, and a major reason he goes to therapy is to learn to recognize his problem areas, communicate them to me, and come up with constructive ways in dealing with them. A big lesson in MY not taking ownership of his PTSD, is that HE needs to take ownership of it in a healthy and helpful manner. I am going to therapy as well, but while I learn to let some things go - which I have done a lot of - I also need to recognize those areas where letting things go is NOT a helpful response, not even to DH as it just erodes his ability to do things he is perfectly capable of, but needs a kick in the butt to convince him of this!

I understand we are all in different circumstances and our decisions will necessarily reflect our own unique dilemma, so that no one solution fits all. The problems you and Bob face, and the way you deal with them, is necessarily different in many ways than what DH and I confront. But I hope no-one on this forum makes the mistake of thinking that expecting our DHs to improve their behavior or reactions, is proof of a lack of acceptance for what they've gone through. On the contrary; I want to help my DH become more himself, not a selfish brute that he would make him despise himself.