Perfectionism, which I grew up with, has often kept me sitting on the sofa all day trying to decide what I should do and it what order. When I was a cleaning lady I would sit and weep because I had carried all but one thing upstairs. A mistake meant I was a mistake. Thanks to Al-anon, I now do what's in front of me and if I make a mistake I literally pat my self on the shoulder and say, "Good girl! You're working on your perfectionism."
I think that paralysis just on the basis of a cross mother must be like what they get, only theirs is much worse, because people died when someone made a mistake.
Bob does not like to be told to do things. It can get you killed in war. He doesn't like to be asked to so things, which can also get you killed. He hates mistakes. They can get you killed...or other people killed. He thinks he will do things if I ask, but he usually says "NOW!??" like I am nuts, and that is okay. Sometimes I think of saying "NOW!?? when he is hungry, but I don't.
I believe I have a choice of how I perceive things. I can see everything as an attack on me and evidence of what an asshole Bob is, or I can see it as the struggles of someone who went through hell and is still dealing with that the best he can which is sometimes awful. The latter perspective is the one the healthy growing part of me prefers. Sometimes there is a childish angry part of me that wants to blame him, which I release by writing and talking about it with others, not him. That's why this site is so important to me and all you ladies.
I would not tell him to get over it if he had cancer, and I wouldn't leave him either. We each have to make our own decisions on that.