mallratsmom wrote:

I've asked my hd about why he starts things then leaves them unfinished - and heaven's' help me if its "my' project - even if its to be used by us both. I have an electric garage door opener that has never been installed, lights that have never been hung in the garage and whole bunch of other projects which I cannot do on my own. If he worked or had some physical limitations I would understand - but he does not. To make matters worse he won't allow anyone outside to finish these projects either. So I park outside in the ice and snow and seldom bother to use the garage - why should I when you can't see anything out there anyway? Yet he will shovel the snow off the driveway and sweeps away the rotting crab apples when they fall. I finally got an answer from him - for what ever its worth - he claims that while in the Navy he was under almost constant stress - extreme stress was placed on the men to always get it right the first time - no independent thinking - doing it wrong even on something minor could lead to someones death and being on a ship that could mean all of them. I am sure this unified company mentality was used a lot in all branches of the service as it was and is critical to maintain control. As odd as it seems, its as if the seeking of perfection finally burns these guys out, they just quit trying as it is less painful. How to heck does a person shift  that sort of thinking anyway
   


I just read this post to my hd, he's sitting near by sipping a cup of coffee. I read him most of the posts here, he broke down crying and said that it --- he once again said - the need to get it right, the need to have perfection led to too much frustration. Read it to your husband or simplify it and ask if he too feels overwhelmed by even simple choices in life. It is a part of this illness. I learned early on to shoulder much of what life asks of us both, allowing him to take on tasks as he felt he could. There were sweet times when the old Richard would break through - I would think 'good, he's back' and I can now rest - then boom, he's gone back to that couch, back to that self imposed shut-down world. I just pick up the slack and wait for the next time when all is better. Is it fair - heck no, do I enjoy this - NOT! But I married him for better or worse and so long as that worse part does not include abuse or another woman then I will dig in and weather this roller coaster ride. I have been with him long enough to understand there are phases which ebb and flow and so long as they're ebbing then I will have a much needed break. I had to admit to myself that I placed far too much value into the good times actually demanding that they become permanent - I now realize PTSD has made that an elusive dream - learn to enjoy the sweet parts when they come - to have a thick hide when the bad times come and know like the seasons they both will flow. Divorce is never a good choice, it has its own set of problems often financial espcially when there are children. It might seem a good quick fix but in reality it is anything but as it opens up its own set of issues, often ones more complicated and not seen until they are upon you! Be ever so careful about going down that path.