Thanks for putting my feelings into words. I sure hope some of the smart ladies here can help us. I have been married to DH 43 years. He always made decisions build beautiful garage, gazebo, arbor, added on sunroom, bathroom etc. He also did beautiful landscaping ponds etc. This was all before he broke down and we discoved the PTSD. Many hospital stays lot of meds. Now 70% PTSD. Now we have retired moved and built new home he can not finish any project.

I too have tried to stay back and not make it mine at all because he just stops after the planning and won't carry though. Or if he does it is suddenly my project and he is doing ME a favor. The new lilacs that HE SAID we should put around the gazebo were finally ordered by me (because it was time to plant and every-time I asked if he wanted to look for plants he said not today) off the Internet with my looking them up and then he looked at them quickly and saying order them. He did finally say how many. When they came they set in the garage where I had taken them out of the box and sat them where he could see them. But days go by and he never plants them. If I say something like we need to get those out. How about after dinner because it is going to rain tomorrow? He will say OK and then after dinner he is laying on the couch and says his back hurts.

Finally they get out after another two weeks but only after words and they are now called MY lilacs. He couldn't decide how to space them and only dug the holes after I helped space them took them out on the containers handed them to him and I filled in the dirt and watered them. They still haven't been mulched. How many months do I wait before I say something about that.

I think it has something to do with not being able to make a decision. He is suddenly afraid of making a mistake and is paralyzed by it. He seems to have forgot how to do things that used to be like breathing for him. I so much hate to be a nag. This is only one small thing. Every project ends up like this.  If he does start something and I stay completely away he comes to find me with a question about where or how and makes it mine so it won't be his fault if it turns out wrong.

But what to do? How to handle this? I have tried everything I know. He says his counselor says if I don't want to do something don't do it. Now how does that help. I have said hire someone but he won't do that either. The thing is I just wanted to buy a apartment because of this but he wanted a house and an land and he promised he would do all the outside work. We own a farm 20 mins away and he seems to be able to do things there. It is anything that has to do with doing it together that he CAN'T or WON'T do. He says he is afraid he can't do anything right enough for me but he is the one who taught me about landscaping building etc but now he can't do it.

Does anyone have ideas? If I didn't still remember the man he was before VN I won't still be with him. I love him very much...just so aggravated. I realize I can't change him but I don't know how to change me either.